26 hours and counting on no sleep. Again. So a moment of clarity…
I’ve had an opportunity for introspection recently. In the last year I’ve made interesting progress growing into my own inky skin, most of it in the last few months. I’m a lot more tenacious now, there’s far more fight in me now than I’ve ever had in my life. I’m gradually learning things like how to build my courage to face the things that scare me.
People scare the shit out of me though. That hasn’t changed at ALL since I quit working at the casino in 2011. I don’t understand how to interact, for the most part. I can’t read people’s opinions of me, thanks to PTSD; I still can’t tell if my friends love having me around or barely tolerate my existence.
There’s some psychological barrier in my conscious mind that balks at the thought of trying to establish friendships. I’m terrified of trying to figure out where I stand with people. I’m ridiculously shy and insecure, easy to embarrass. Dumber than a brick when it comes to noticing someone taking a particular liking to me or flirting. I’m just oblivious, not a cold bitch, I swear.
I’m starting to like interacting with people, though. At least with a select crowd, I kinda like being involved again.
As the Crow flies (off the handle),