Endgame

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I give in. I’m done, I quit, I’ve had enough of sucking at this game and I want out. I want off the rollercoaster. I’m tired of upsetting people, and being so distressed at my own feelings. I hate being unable to understand other people’s motives or feelings. I’m scared and lonely, I can’t stop crying and I’m just so lost. I’ve had nightmares literally every single night for almost two years. Every day I’m on the verge of being overwhelmed by sadness. I don’t want anyone to ever be in a relationship with someone as psychologically broken as I am, I wouldn’t wish it on my very worst enemies. I don’t need that bad karma, and frankly the ex-boyfriend and his friend who raped me at 17 don’t deserve this madness.
I wish I could accept love. I wish I felt worthy of it, that I deserve it. I want to be loved, I really honestly do. All I want, deep down and purely for myself, is to love and be loved in return. And I just cant.

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